good bye

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rivers divide the stream steady and fast
cooling nights fade as the stars begin to sparkle.

saying goodbye is never easy, but sometimes necessary
believe this song that drifts through the air, your never forgotten when you are dead, and never known when you were alive

morning dew drips feeding the earth below
like tears that shed from ones own eyes

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so close to the end

is it medication or is it me, maybe i am just exhausted from dealing with life, so close, i felt the pull of death calling me. not actual voices but the wind whispering in my ear telling me just give in, you dont have to be strong anymore

yes I said death, i was contemplating suicide, I know its a selfish thing to do… blah blah blah, I am sick of hearing that to… so what if its selfish… maybe I am just sick and tired of my own mind controlling me, and to have others tell me what I should be doing only makes it that much more worse, what make anyone think I will listen to them when i wont even listen to myself…

or maybe sick of seeing the truth in the fact that i created my own pain and continue to do so… crazy as it seems to me, there might be some truth in that…. i want and seek attention, but would i go so far as to create drama just for attention.. my God am I that shallow of a person… no i know i am not..

everyone keeps telling me, you need to forgive yourself in order to let go and move on, i still really don’t get that… i wish someone could just explain it in away that I understand it.. maybe i just don’t want to forgive myself.. maybe that’s my way of punishing myself for all the hurt and pain, and stress i have caused others around me… yup they weren’t kidding when they said life is what you make it… not funny

i say that because  i am pretty selfish and petty, when did i stop caring so little of myself? when did i stop trusting in peoples words? why cant things just be fine for once? so many stupid questions so easily answered by everyone around me, yet i choose not to listen.. stubborn fool.. no wonder i feel so alone…the more i fight it, the longer my journey seems unbearable to keep going , i guess that’s why i would rather it all just end. close my eyes to never see another day…. nope.. i wasn’t brave enough to run that far, i crumbled, like with everything else i do, i fail

 

 

 

 

 

“You can’t expect FORGIVENESS Unless you’re willing to GIVE it yourself”

 This morning I asked my friends on FaceBook to give me a title or subject for my next blog. well little did I realize the first and only response was on a subject I struggle with everyday of my life… Forgiveness.

the title of this blog is what someone I knew back in 1983 left as a suggestion … mind you know i have not seen this classmate in over 20 years, we have only chatted a few times since finding one another thorough the grapevine of FaceBook… for me this was almost like a knock on my door and it was Him above at my door.

now I have always had God issues, but last night after reading a friends testimony at the end of his  words there was this sentence,

Dear God, I am a sinner and need forgiveness. I believe that Jesus Christ shed His precious blood and died for my sins. I am willing to turn from sin. I now invite Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal Savior.

so here I was hesitant to even read it at first, I read it out loud  and I think inside I meant it, and for the first time in my life I felt lighter… freer. then I slept…

so now I start my day with this question or title in my head all day. dreading  having to face what my thoughts are on this subject. I also don’t do confrontation well either and I think this has made me face myself and start asking Questions.

Not something  I have an easy time doing with myself, and without being able to forgive oneself how can we really forgive another truly.. so I asked myself with all the pain and trauma I have been through, or created in my life time, why cant I forgive myself? and when I have said I forgave some one did i really mean it?

So today I take a step forward, and give myself permission to forgive myself for the pain I caused, or endured. smiles as I know as well as the next person, easier said than done. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things for people to do, and truly mean it…   I mean for it to come from the heart mean it. As I write its hits me why forgiveness is so hard for me.. it begins with trust.. and having experienced  broken trust by most of the people in my life has made it harder… so now i know where my first step towrd forgiveness is learning to trust, not only others , but Myself included.

 

Alison Ani

Beauty in a Photograph

life still props are some of the most realistic dreams come true, in my view looking through the glass of a cameras lens is capturing what we believe is  beauty.. my eyes see different things and find beauty is the oddest of places…. reach for the light through tall tress

the feel of the oceans cool feel as it washes the pain, sadness and hurt away… a cleaning process of the soul.. making  memories through each picture taken.these pictures were taken on a day  I needed to feel free of my bondage’s. my soul needed to feel excepted as me.. did i find that freedom that day.. lets just say i am still in search of my freedom within and understand why my heart is weighed down with so much doubt…  the pain i feel is softened when i take photos.. its a healing tool for me.. and who ever takes enjoyment of them brings me a small amount of pleasure, knowing i made some one say wow, thats special, or breath taking.. I have not yet taken one of those photos, and keep trying… one thing I do know I love is the art of Photography

the Oceans Roar wakes my soul, the water cleanse my soul and the darkness of the fog shades me from the heat… to me this was a beautiful day for getting in touch with one self… the laughter of a group of people off to the shadows, the cry of a seagull…today was a magical day for me, a step towards finding me

BASEBALL

I have found a new love for the game of Baseball

never did I ever believe I would become a fan.. and here I sit in the evenings with an 84 yr old expert… lol

well in my eyes he is.. he has taught me how the game is played and can call a pitch before it even happens.

With people like Guido Bartalini (seen here with a pugwhinnie named Frank wearing his favorite shirt),

someone who loves the game just as much as he loves life, how could I not fall in love with Baseball?

Guido is a San Francisco Giants Fan.. claims he was at their first game in 1958 at Seals Stadium, long before the stadium they play in Now …

AT&T Park…

where I took this photo as I drove by the stadium for the first time since moving to California 5 yrs ago.

~~WILLY MAZE ~~

as I watch the San Francisco players take the field my heart starts to race and I feel pumped up for the next couple hours, love hearing Guido match the speaker of the game, calls the ball each and every time, what kind it will be and if its a foul or a strike, he calls out if they made a single, double triple or the big one a HOME RUN!!! Guido is my teacher of baseball and I will always be thankful for the gift he gave me.. BASEBALL.

If I could give him one thing, that would be a day with the team so he can tell them of all the past time players, and yes it would take him  a day …lol

CoUrAgE

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Courage:

Is a word that stands firm… a steady feeling that a person feels when confidant, proud and sure of his or her own actions or beliefs, and follows through… its also provides strength, perseverance, hope in some of the most difficult times, or challenging times even in the face of  discouragement, shame and/or embarrassment..

Courage is there to give you a sense of faith that you can be strong for those in need, even when you , yourself are struggling… courage is there when you need a voice when you feel others might not listen…  it give’s you heart to forgive those you feel don’t deserve forgiveness… courage makes life easier, when all seems lost.. it feeds us hope that things can be better.. even when we don’t believe..

Courage… without courage.. I would not be here today.. without the life experiences I have today….

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Sand Art

~~Sometimes you gotta create what you want to be apart of~~

“No Great thing is created Suddenly”

Sand Art reaches from the depth of the soul like the ocean does the sea

etching and carving  such details,creations beyond imagination, there really is no limit…

seeing the talent from ones own view.. made from the Earth.. and returned back to the Earth..

only  lasting when caught in the eye of a camera… Spectacular,Magical, inspiring