Peace

this was a day when i was feeling the 70’s… this symbol means a lot to me growing up in that of war and peace… sad to say i was a war baby… didn’t know it of course was a bit to young.. i hurt to see the troops that return from Iraq, and the other place we send our own to defend others, not sure if i should cheer them on or pray fro their safety, so i do both…

“You can’t expect FORGIVENESS Unless you’re willing to GIVE it yourself”

JuSt My ThOuGhTs

 This morning I asked my friends on FaceBook to give me a title or subject for my next blog. well little did I realize the first and only response was on a subject I struggle with everyday of my life… Forgiveness.

the title of this blog is what someone I knew back in 1983 left as a suggestion … mind you know i have not seen this classmate in over 20 years, we have only chatted a few times since finding one another thorough the grapevine of FaceBook… for me this was almost like a knock on my door and it was Him above at my door.

now I have always had God issues, but last night after reading a friends testimony at the end of his  words there was this sentence,

Dear God, I am a sinner and need forgiveness. I believe that Jesus Christ shed His precious blood…

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My Garden

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In a world that is dying at our own hands, bringing  life to this world with plants give me a sense of pride, I can breath, I am happy, its the one place I am at peace with myself the most. its like everything disappears, and all i hear is the sound of the birds, or the wind rustling through the leaves of the trees.. its the calm through the madness in my mind, and soul right now is caught between good and bad.

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 I have these Guardians of my Garden they care for my Garden when  i am not out there, little trinkets both mom and i added to make us smile. simple things really, but special to us in our own way, sanctuary I guess is what my Garden is to me… all it needs is a few Fairies to make things more exciting

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clipping, potting, and watering my Garden, the green is so vibrant, the flowers just beginning to bloom, Spring is so exciting, and all that it brings with a little bit of love  and a whole lot of sun, anyone can have a little piece of Heaven here on Earth

Dreams and Reality

ImageWhen I seen this photo today, it made me really think, is been on my mind for hours.. Dreams.. what are they? why do we have them? why do they not come true when its all we wish for? the Reality is.. thats all they really are.. if they come true its because we make them come true, by forcing the dream to come true either by working hard  or making someone else provide in helping that dream come true . When we Dream while we sleep, sometimes horrible dreams, sometimes filled wish such fantasy.. the reality of dreaming when a sleep is its what we hold as a memories we have distorted for the better or worse…so in fact one way or another they are as real as you and I .

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our Dreams held with in out unconscious is much like a filing cabinet holding information we might have forgotten about or wish to forget… and something during  the day triggers a memory and when were in a deep state of sleep, that memory comes to us played out like a live show in a Broadway show… sometimes like were locked in a dark room forced to re-live such horrid times… i believe its why we have so many insomniacs, they rather stay awake for days then to face the fear. i know sometimes i feel i am trapped in my dream, cant even force myself awake… no one around to help… its terrifying

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so close to the end

is it medication or is it me, maybe i am just exhausted from dealing with life, so close, i felt the pull of death calling me. not actual voices but the wind whispering in my ear telling me just give in, you dont have to be strong anymore

yes I said death, i was contemplating suicide, I know its a selfish thing to do… blah blah blah, I am sick of hearing that to… so what if its selfish… maybe I am just sick and tired of my own mind controlling me, and to have others tell me what I should be doing only makes it that much more worse, what make anyone think I will listen to them when i wont even listen to myself…

or maybe sick of seeing the truth in the fact that i created my own pain and continue to do so… crazy as it seems to me, there might be some truth in that…. i want and seek attention, but would i go so far as to create drama just for attention.. my God am I that shallow of a person… no i know i am not..

everyone keeps telling me, you need to forgive yourself in order to let go and move on, i still really don’t get that… i wish someone could just explain it in away that I understand it.. maybe i just don’t want to forgive myself.. maybe that’s my way of punishing myself for all the hurt and pain, and stress i have caused others around me… yup they weren’t kidding when they said life is what you make it… not funny

i say that because  i am pretty selfish and petty, when did i stop caring so little of myself? when did i stop trusting in peoples words? why cant things just be fine for once? so many stupid questions so easily answered by everyone around me, yet i choose not to listen.. stubborn fool.. no wonder i feel so alone…the more i fight it, the longer my journey seems unbearable to keep going , i guess that’s why i would rather it all just end. close my eyes to never see another day…. nope.. i wasn’t brave enough to run that far, i crumbled, like with everything else i do, i fail