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so close to the end

is it medication or is it me, maybe i am just exhausted from dealing with life, so close, i felt the pull of death calling me. not actual voices but the wind whispering in my ear telling me just give in, you dont have to be strong anymore

yes I said death, i was contemplating suicide, I know its a selfish thing to do… blah blah blah, I am sick of hearing that to… so what if its selfish… maybe I am just sick and tired of my own mind controlling me, and to have others tell me what I should be doing only makes it that much more worse, what make anyone think I will listen to them when i wont even listen to myself…

or maybe sick of seeing the truth in the fact that i created my own pain and continue to do so… crazy as it seems to me, there might be some truth in that…. i want and seek attention, but would i go so far as to create drama just for attention.. my God am I that shallow of a person… no i know i am not..

everyone keeps telling me, you need to forgive yourself in order to let go and move on, i still really don’t get that… i wish someone could just explain it in away that I understand it.. maybe i just don’t want to forgive myself.. maybe that’s my way of punishing myself for all the hurt and pain, and stress i have caused others around me… yup they weren’t kidding when they said life is what you make it… not funny

i say that because  i am pretty selfish and petty, when did i stop caring so little of myself? when did i stop trusting in peoples words? why cant things just be fine for once? so many stupid questions so easily answered by everyone around me, yet i choose not to listen.. stubborn fool.. no wonder i feel so alone…the more i fight it, the longer my journey seems unbearable to keep going , i guess that’s why i would rather it all just end. close my eyes to never see another day…. nope.. i wasn’t brave enough to run that far, i crumbled, like with everything else i do, i fail







About 808kat

Born and raised in Hawaii, now living in California.. Love photography and black and white is my favorite.. love writing and sharing my thoughts

2 responses to “so close to the end

  1. share and share your thoughts of anything, your a book, tell the world how you feel today, im jst a reader not a judge, explore these deep feelings if it helps, ill be here to read them if you like.

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