This morning I asked my friends on FaceBook to give me a title or subject for my next blog. well little did I realize the first and only response was on a subject I struggle with everyday of my life… Forgiveness.
the title of this blog is what someone I knew back in 1983 left as a suggestion … mind you know i have not seen this classmate in over 20 years, we have only chatted a few times since finding one another thorough the grapevine of FaceBook… for me this was almost like a knock on my door and it was Him above at my door.
now I have always had God issues, but last night after reading a friends testimony at the end of his words there was this sentence,
Dear God, I am a sinner and need forgiveness. I believe that Jesus Christ shed His precious blood and died for my sins. I am willing to turn from sin. I now invite Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal Savior.
so here I was hesitant to even read it at first, I read it out loud and I think inside I meant it, and for the first time in my life I felt lighter… freer. then I slept…
so now I start my day with this question or title in my head all day. dreading having to face what my thoughts are on this subject. I also don’t do confrontation well either and I think this has made me face myself and start asking Questions.
Not something I have an easy time doing with myself, and without being able to forgive oneself how can we really forgive another truly.. so I asked myself with all the pain and trauma I have been through, or created in my life time, why cant I forgive myself? and when I have said I forgave some one did i really mean it?
So today I take a step forward, and give myself permission to forgive myself for the pain I caused, or endured. smiles as I know as well as the next person, easier said than done. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things for people to do, and truly mean it… I mean for it to come from the heart mean it. As I write its hits me why forgiveness is so hard for me.. it begins with trust.. and having experienced broken trust by most of the people in my life has made it harder… so now i know where my first step towrd forgiveness is learning to trust, not only others , but Myself included.